Unexpected Ways to Build Connection

We try to build connection with our children, but we don’t always take advantage of the little, sometimes awkward, invitations they send us. We think that there are only certain acceptable ways to build connection. But building connection can look different than we expect.

We all know that connection is probably the most important thing in our lives. In fact, in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brene Brown wrote that “Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.“

I am sure that you try to connect with your child whenever you can. I try to do that too. But what I realized is that I don’t always notice the little moments of opportunity that show up unexpectedly.

Our kids can have some strange ways of sending us invitations to connect. Like awkward teenagers trying to ask their crush out on a date. Sometimes the way they implicitly ask for connection can be outright triggering. So I think that we have to be always open, flexible, and intentional about taking their bids for connection, especially when they don’t look like what we would normally expect.

I’d like to share a story with you to show how we can be open to spontaneous opportunities to connect in unconventional ways.

Sometimes my kids and I like to watch videos of them when they were little. We laugh at how innocent, funny, and adorable they were as babies and toddlers.

One evening, after we watched a few videos and laughed together, I exclaimed, “You were so cute when you were little!” My kids became serious and asked me if I still like them now that they are big. (Isn’t it interesting how our kids always have this fear that we may like or love others more than them, even if it’s their old selves?)

I said, “Of course, I like you now that you’re big!”

My son had a twinkle in his eye. He didn’t believe me. Because, as we’ve all learned, kids don’t believe our words, they believe our actions.

“Oh, yeah?”, he said. “Even if I do this?” And he gave me a light punch on the arm.

I said, “Even if you do that. There’s nothing you can do that will make me not like you.”

My son paused and I could see the little gears in his brain trying to work out how he could escalate the test. He said, “Even if I took your eyes out?” I paused, a little shocked by that image. Hm…, how should I respond to that?

After a little pause, I said, “If you took my eyes out, I would try to find out what’s hurting you so bad that you would think that’s what would help you feel better.”

My son’s face turned serious. “I wouldn’t do that anyway,” he said in a softer voice. And he gave me a big, warm hug. My daughter joined in and we stayed there for a long minute, feeling loved.

I’m glad I didn’t freak out, rushing to think he’ll turn into a murderous criminal. Which is my default reaction. And which, by the way, I did think for a second, before coming to my senses.

My son just needed reassurance that he is loved, accepted, and appreciated and that I care about him enough to try to understand him. Unconditionally. Because, at the end of the day, that is what we all need: to be loved, accepted, appreciated, and respected. And to know that we will not be left alone.

Let’s remind ourselves that our kids are small and their survival depends on us. And being small and depending on others can make us feel insecure sometimes.

Let’s try to grasp opportunities to show our kids that we won’t abandon them and that we love them with no IFs or WHENs attached. Not waiting for anything in return.

So go give your kids a big loving hug. Just because. And when they throw the ball in your court, take it and play.