The Art of Effective Praise for Children

Our understanding of how to praise our children has changed over the years and it’s still evolving. Most parents are trying to learn the art of effective praise that builds children up from within rather than creating a fragile sense of self.

However, we know by now that not all praise is created equal. In this article, we will explore the art of praising effectively, discussing why it matters, the pitfalls to avoid, and practical strategies to ensure that our words empower and uplift rather than undermine a child’s confidence.

How Praise Changed Over the Years

Many of us were raised with abundant shallow praise. The result was lower self-esteem and higher levels of narcissism in young people, as well as reduced intrinsic motivation.

Recent research by Carol Dweck led to a shift from praising talents and outcomes to acknowledging effort and progress. This is a fantastic step in the right direction. However, I am seeing many well-intentioned and caring parents who are either afraid to praise their kids or praising strictly the effort, leaving the kids feeling unseen. 

One of the unintended results of the recent research on praise is that we shifted to the other extreme. And, if you’ve been reading my work long enough, you’ll know that I find extreme thinking unhelpful.

I think most parents are still confused about how to praise their kids effectively and constructively, in a way that helps their self-worth rather than damage it. 

We all want our children to be happy, motivated, and perseverant. We also don’t want them to feel any discomfort. Knowing how to strike the right balance can be tricky. We are all still learning.

Is Praise Bad?

Let’s start with the simple question “Is praise bad?”

The answer is it depends. It doesn’t have to be.

Praise is an expression of approval or admiration. It’s how we communicate our opinions.

There certainly isn’t anything wrong with showing admiration. And theoretically, there’s nothing wrong with showing approval or disapproval of our children’s actions. We want to give them feedback so they can learn to behave in our society. But when we express our approval, we are also evaluating our children. And no one likes to be evaluated. So it’s a fine art to learn how to deliver praise without creating this uncomfortable imbalance in our children.

So what makes praise harmful? Let’s look at the frequency with which we give praise, what we’re directing it at, the motivation behind the praise, and how we deliver it.

Frequency: How often do we praise our kids?

Dr. Jane Nelsen, the author of Positive Discipline, says that praise is like candy – a little is satisfying. Too much causes problems. 

When we praise our kids too often, we inadvertently create “praise junkies.”

Too much praise also shifts the locus of motivation from internal to external. Our kids will no longer notice the inner satisfaction of doing things that they initially felt driven to do. Instead, they begin to do things only for the rewards they get. 

If praising too much is bad, not praising at all is also detrimental. Our children will feel unseen. When our kids feel proud of themselves, they like us to share in their pride.

There has to be a balance and moderation in the amount of praise that we give our kids. We have to learn to join our children in the pride they feel for themselves without taking the spotlight away from their internal experience.

When deciding how much praise to give, think about creating a Goldilocks effect, not too much and not too little.

Target: What are we praising?

You’ve probably heard that there are many negative effects to praising accomplishments or innate abilities and that we should be focusing our praise on effort instead. 

This is true. We should avoid praising kids for things they can’t control, such as their talents. Instead, we should aim to praise things that they can control, such as how much they practice and the progress they’ve made since they started.

Does that mean we should never praise ability?

Not necessarily. It would be odd if your child were very talented in one area and you completely ignored or discounted their talent.

It’s okay to show gratitude if your child has a talent, but don’t forget to put more focus on their practice, progress, passion, and determination. Kids need to understand that having a talent is not the end of the road. To become better at doing something, work, effort, failure, and perseverance are necessary.

So it’s fine to tell our kids, “You’re good at math!”, but make sure you follow up with more detail. “You take your time, you check your work. You try to find different ways to solve the problem. And when things don’t work out, you don’t give up and always try to learn new things to help you become better and better.”

What about praising effort?

When trying to praise effort, we oftentimes end up sounding awkward and disconnected. 

Maybe when your kid asks you if you like their drawing, you say, “Great effort!” or “You worked so hard!” Have you ever tried this? How did it work? Did your kid like it? Did it feel good to you to say those words?

This kind of praise falls flat and feels inauthentic. I mean, imagine how you would feel if you received this kind of feedback from your partner, friend, or boss.

Instead of delivering cookie-cutter statements that are meant to “sound right”, we should try to say something that “feels right” and authentic. 

Motivation: Why do we praise our kids?

Let’s be honest, praise is often manipulative. Generally, we tend to praise our children for two main reasons: to promote certain behaviors or to make them feel good about themselves.

Praise as positive feedback

We were taught to give negative feedback (ranging from punishments to ignoration) to unwanted behaviors and positive feedback (aka praise) to behaviors we want to see more of. The common knowledge is that by using positive reinforcement, we can train our kids to repeat behaviors that we find socially acceptable or personally preferable. 

The problem we run into with this concept is two-fold. 

On the one hand, when we interfere with praise whenever we see our child being themselves, following their own passions, being kind toward other people, demonstrating good values and manners, and so forth, we distract their attention from their inner satisfaction and motivation.

Children feel evaluated and begin worrying about what people think about them. So instead of having the confidence to follow their own interests, curiosity, and passions, they try to be safe by doing and saying only what they think other people would like of them. 

And instead of our kids continuing these behaviors just because it feels good to do them, we end up creating an external condition for them to happen. We know from research that external rewards diminish internal motivation. 

On the other hand, we put ourselves in the position of writer and director of our child’s life. When we position ourselves above our child in this way, we forget to discover, admire, and be in awe of our child. We also rob them of the chance to know themselves and learn to be autonomous. Not to mention, this kind of praise feels manipulative and controlling.

So, when your kids do something you are proud of, don’t feel the pressure to say anything. You can just look at them and smile, soaking in your inner pride. They will know.

Praising to rescue

The other reason why we praise our kids may be to alleviate their discomfort. Because we love our children more than anything in the world, we don’t want them to suffer. When they suffer, we suffer. 

So, if they fail at something or show mediocrity, we tend to rescue them with forced positivity and praise. “Awesome job! I’m really proud of you.” But our kids know we’re lying and it only leads to them feeling disconnected from us.

The other thing we do is sandwich blame or criticism between two praises hoping to soften the blow. “Hey, great effort in today’s game. But you should really try (doing something) next time. You did great though!” This only causes confusion for our kids and they become afraid of our praise.

It’s helpful to teach our kids that some days they may have great results and others they will not. And that’s not a representation of their intelligence, not even their true ability. Everybody can have bad days, or they may need to practice more, learn some new skills, or get more sleep. Lots of things can affect our performance and we need to teach our kids this. We try to impact the things that are in our control, but some aren’t. Things don’t always work out the way we want them to and that’s ok. 

In conclusion, when children fail, don’t give fake praise. Instead, use compassion and teach self-compassion.

Both of these motivations behind praise are not helpful for our children. So, instead of using praise to obtain a certain outcome, we should aim for praising authentically, to connect with our children.

Tone: How do we sound when we praise our kids?

There’s a range in tone that we use when we praise our kids. We sometimes notice exhausted or distracted parents who say “Good job!” with the automaticity of a robot. And other times we see parents who are overenthusiastic to the point that we remain mesmerized by the amount of energy that they can muster.

You know what I’m talking about. You’ve probably done both at some point in your life. There’s no shame in that. We’ve all done it. But I invite you to try both of these ways to deliver praise right now. Then pay attention to how you are feeling in your body. I suspect your body might be feeling disconnected, you may have areas of tension or contraction, and you may also feel exhausted.

That’s because neither of these tones is good. And if they don’t feel good to you, they don’t feel good to your child. They’re insincere, inauthentic, and disconnected.

Instead, try to take a deep breath before praising, to connect to the feeling in your body, look at your child to connect to them, and then say what feels true in that moment.

Summary of the Pitfalls of Praise

So, to summarize, here are some types of praise that we should try to avoid:

• Over-praising: Excessive praise can lead to dependency on external validation, negatively affecting children’s confidence. Children may become praise junkies, constantly seeking approval from others to feel good about themselves.
• No praise at all: When we avoid uttering any praise, our children may feel like we don’t care and they don’t feel seen. Maybe your kid asks you if you like their drawing, and you respond, “Do you like your drawing?“, hoping that this way you emphasize how they are feeling. But this avoidance is never helpful or constructive.
• Empty praise: Vague and insincere praise, such as saying “Good job” without specifying what was good, can ring hollow and lose its impact. Children may perceive such praise as disingenuous.
• Labeling: Assigning fixed labels like “smart,” “talented,” or “gifted” can limit a child’s willingness to take risks or try new things. They may fear failure and avoid challenges that might threaten their label. This is similar to the empty praise above. We avoid giving genuine feedback by slapping a quick label on our child.
• Praise without effort: Praising without acknowledging the effort involved can make children believe that success comes solely from innate talents rather than hard work.
• Comparison praise: Comparing a child to others, even if meant as encouragement, can create unhealthy competition and breed jealousy and resentment.
• Conditional praise: Linking praise to specific outcomes, like saying “I’m so proud of you when you get straight A’s,” can make a child feel loved only when they meet certain expectations, leading to anxiety and perfectionism.
• Praise as manipulation: Using praise as a manipulation tool to achieve certain goals can undermine trust and put a strain on our relationships.

The Importance of Praise

Praising children is a part of their growth and development. It’s one way for them to get feedback on their behaviors with the potential to support a healthy sense of self-worth and social adaptation.

Although there are inconsistencies in research, when used effectively, praise may have some benefits, including:

• Building self-worth: When our children receive acknowledgment for their efforts and accomplishments and we show them that we appreciate them, they begin to see themselves as capable and valuable individuals.
• Motivation: Encouragement can be a strong motivator. When we show our children that we believe in them, they can feel encouraged to continue working hard, aiming for improvement, and setting and achieving goals. They know we are on their side.
• Improved relationships: Genuine praise and delight in our children create a positive atmosphere and can help strengthen the parent-child bond.

As you notice, effective praise is more about acknowledgment, appreciation, encouragement, delight, and connection.

Effective Praise: How to Do It Right

Effective praise has to be sincere, meaningful, and helpful in some way. For praise to be effective, we have to be attuned to our child’s inner experience.

Here are some general suggestions to ensure our praise serves this purpose:

1. Be specific

Instead of generic phrases like “Good job,” provide specific feedback. Describe what you see without any judgment or evaluation. Say, “I’m proud of how you persevered with your math homework even when it was challenging.” Or, “I noticed how carefully you painted each detail on that picture.”

2. Show curiosity

Ask questions about what your child did and show genuine interest in their work or accomplishments. “Why did you decide to put this here?”, “How did you get this color? It’s very pretty.”

3. Celebrate effort

Highlight the effort a child puts into a task rather than just the outcome. This teaches them the value of hard work and resilience. For instance, say, “I can see you worked very hard on that project.”

4. Emphasize the importance of practice

Set small, achievable milestones and celebrate achievements along the way, not just the final outcome. Remind your child that, when they get good at something, they begin to enjoy it. You can say, “You kept practicing until it got easier. Now you enjoy doing this.” Additionally, you can point out to your kids that the reason why they are good at something is precisely because they practiced that skill for a long time.

5. Acknowledge progress

Steer clear of comparing one child to another. Each child is unique, and their efforts and achievements should be valued in their own right. Instead of comparing your kid’s accomplishments to other kids’ or some ideal of perfection, focus on how they performed the same task a year ago or a month ago. What’s something new they learned?

6. Foster growth mindset

Teach your kid that challenges help us grow. Ask them at the end of each day, “Did you do something hard today? Or did everything feel easy?” If they did something that felt difficult, celebrate it! Remind them that they worked on growing a bigger brain or muscle, whatever the case may be.

7. Encourage learning from mistakes

Emphasize the importance of learning from mistakes and trying new things. Instead of saying, “You’re so good at this,” say, “I appreciate your willingness to try new things and learn from your mistakes.” It’s also important to not make a big deal when your child makes a mistake, but rather encourage them to think about what can be learned from that mistake. “This mistake shows you that there’s something you still need to learn/work on.” Help your child understand that they can always grow and that learning is a lifelong process.

Related: Are You Looking for Blame or Solutions?

8. Express delight

When we express delight, our children feel that we like and value their company. Here are some examples: “I love watching you build those robots!”, “I love cleaning the kitchen with you.”, “I enjoy listening to you play the piano.” Of course, these statements may encourage our children to do more of what we praise, but our intention should never be to get them to do anything. Our children are very intuitive and they will sense our hidden agenda.

9. Be genuine

Children can often tell when praise is insincere. Offer praise only when it’s truly deserved, and make sure your tone and body language match your words. Smile, maintain eye contact, and use an enthusiastic tone (but not exaggerated) when offering praise. And sometimes words aren’t even needed. Your facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language can convey how proud you are of your child.

10. Slow down

Don’t rush to give your opinion or judgment of what your child is showing you. Allow them to experience their own satisfaction and wait to be invited to add your comment. If you watch your child in silence, you will be able to notice how they are feeling and you can rejoice in their joy and pride. Practice pulling back and delighting in your child.

11. Praise kids for things they can control

Praise kids for things they can control, not those that are not under their control, such as talents. They can control how much they practice their violin, but not if they have a good musical ear or not.

12. Promote intrinsic motivation

Encourage children to take pride in their accomplishments for their own sake, rather than seeking external validation. Help them understand the satisfaction of personal growth and self-improvement.

13. Balance praise with guidance and support

While praise is important, constructive feedback and guidance are equally crucial. When a child faces difficulties or makes mistakes, use those moments as opportunities for growth rather than criticism or false praise. When we are there to support and guide our children, they feel more connected to us. Our kids need our encouragement all the time, not only when they accomplish something.

14. Be attuned

When kids fail, don’t ignore their feelings. Saying “Great effort!” is insensitive and negates their emotional experience. Instead, show compassion and say something along these lines: “That must hurt, I’m sorry. Would you like a hug? I still love you, it happens to everyone. What can I do to help? How can I support you? What do you need right now?“

15. Don’t equate praise and love

Our kids need us to show and prove our love often. If they have enough of that, praise isn’t all that necessary. Don’t let praise replace love and encouragement. Always reassure your child, “I love you, I believe in you.” 

Reflective questions to ask yourself:

• Am I evaluating my child or their behavior?
• Am I being respectful or patronizing?
• Am I considering only my point of view or my child’s?
• Am I mirroring my child’s feelings?
• Would I say this to an adult/friend?

Conclusion

Praising children is an essential aspect of their development, but it must be done mindfully to nurture their self-esteem and emotional well-being. Effective praise focuses on specificity, effort, a growth mindset, and genuine appreciation. By avoiding common pitfalls like over-praising, comparison, and empty praise, we can create a supportive environment where children feel valued and motivated to grow and succeed. Ultimately, the art of constructive praise is about empowering children to believe in themselves, take on challenges, and become resilient, confident individuals.