Talking About Our Experiences

Talking about our experiences builds community and makes us better parents.

Being a parent has been the most vulnerable and humbling experience of my life. Our children have a way of bringing up our deepest insecurities and fears. And on top of that, we feel judged, evaluated, and labeled as parents and humans all the time.

How many times do you wonder “Is this normal?” It’s probably the question that pops up the most in my conversations with parents.

The problem with being in constant worry and fear of judgment is that we feel consumed and end up not making the best decisions. The best parenting decisions come from peace, confidence, and a state of connection with our inner wisdom. And the way to get there is by fiercely practicing on a daily basis how to ground ourselves and access our wisdom. One way to do that is to find support in our community. There are millions of parents in the world who go through the same challenges that we are.

Why turning to our community is helpful

It’s important to normalize our experiences so that we don’t feel shame and inadequacy. The more we feel shame and inadequacy, the more we feel alone, different, and isolated. These feelings in turn increase our anxiety and risk for depression. As humans, we need to feel that we belong, that we are like others in our group, and that we are not alone.

One way to meet our fundamental need for belonging is to normalize our experiences by talking to others about our feelings, actions, and situations.

There are days when I feel really embarrassed, guilty, or critical of my behaviors, my children’s behaviors, our weird family, our home, and so on. And these feelings creep in when I compare myself to other people or to some elusive standard that I have in my mind for myself, my children, my environment, and my life. 

I know that secretly you too have had your moments of feeling not good enough for one reason or another.

It is a very natural tendency for all humans to think that everybody else is better than us, does things better than us, and that we are the only ones who are unfortunate, incompetent, or inadequate. 

I hope that you will feel a little better knowing that you are not alone. Most people on our planet feel this way, so you’re in abundant company.

How to normalize your experience

So now that we got that out of the way, the question is how do we avoid falling into this negativity trap?

Step 1. Notice

The first step is noticing how we are feeling. If we are not aware of our own feelings, then we can’t address them. They will just run wild. And when our feelings are in charge, they will determine our decisions, actions, and reactions.

Once we identify our feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, or fear, we can choose to do something about them. And that means checking the validity of the assumptions that are behind these feelings.

Step 2. Do a reality check

We can do a reality check by talking with someone. This requires a level of vulnerability and openness. Try to find a trusted friend and share how you’re feeling. Then ask your friend if your experience resonates with them. Invite them to share their own experience. You will be surprised by how many shared experiences we have as humans.

We’re not so different after all. And we do better together.

Step 3. Recalibrate

Once you’ve done a reality check with your friend, offer yourself self-compassion and let go of your fears and doubts without any hesitation. Take this opportunity to feel closeness with your friend and gratitude for your connection.

Ultimately, our goal is to notice, recalibrate, and move on. 

So now that you know how to do this for yourself, pass this knowledge on to your child.

Related: You Are a Good Enough Parent

Step 4. Be the grounding element for your child

Have frequent conversations with your child. Teach them to be aware of how they are feeling and then explain to them that all people feel this way sometimes.

Countless times when I told my kids that other people experience similar things to them, they have told me, “Oh, good! I thought I was the only one.” When kids think they are “the only one”, they begin to feel bad about themselves and this creates shame. And, as Brene Brown noted, shame thrives in secrecy.

But as soon as we shed light on it and we stop keeping it a secret, it can’t survive. Create a space between you and your child in which they feel comfortable to share openly their insecurities and fears. Encourage them to talk to you about what’s on their mind and heart and provide them with your grounded presence and experience to help them recalibrate.

Step 5. Help your child build a community

We can’t be our children’s only safety line. Encourage your child to talk with their friends and other trusted adults about what’s on their minds. Teach them how to build trusting relationships that help them to feel grounded and secure.

One result of this exercise is an increased sense of connection and happiness.

How my daughter normalized her experience by talking with her friends

Let me share a story about a time when my daughter used this strategy of talking about her experiences to normalize her feelings.

A few weeks ago, she had a sleepover with four of her friends. 

Because my daughter sleeps in my bed and she didn’t know what kinds of sleeping arrangements other families have, she was a little worried that other people might think that sleeping with their parents is only “for babies or little kids.” By the way, when we say such things to our kids, we are shaming them. So it would be advisable to not use this phrase.

So, at the sleepover, she asked her friends about their sleeping arrangements at home. 

All her friends, 8- and 9-year-olds, explained that they sleep in their own rooms. But they have nightmares and sometimes are afraid at night, so they go to their parents’ rooms to feel safe. 

My daughter came home beaming and told me that she feels so much better knowing that all her friends wish they could sleep with their moms and that they go to their parents’ rooms when they are afraid at night.

Talking with her friends normalized her own experience. And the fear and shame she was feeling before vanished. She felt better about herself and closer to her friends.

Takeaway

So what’s the moral of this story? 

I hope you will take away three things from this story. For one, if you’ve been worried that it may not be normal for your child to come to your room to seek comfort during the night and felt embarrassed to talk about it, I hope that today’s story is helping you to see that this is normal and common. 

The second thing I hope you remember is to find a friend to talk to about your fears, uncertainties, or worries. Talking about our experiences with others helps us adjust our standards and expectations to make them more realistic and achievable and we can actually begin to have a much more positive outlook in general. It’s important to see that we are not alone.

And of course, it’s important to help our children build a healthy and supportive community around them and to teach them how to do reality checks for themselves. And by doing this, we can help them lead healthier and happier lives.

Finally, something that I will mention briefly is to always look at social media posts with a critical mind, understanding that what you see is not the full picture. Shame and insecurities are heightened when we compare ourselves to something we don’t actually know. And we know that on social media people only post the highlights of their lives, so we don’t get to see behind the scenes. 

Your call to action

I have a few friends with whom I share parenting stories, worries, and woes. And their love, compassion, and support relieve all the shame that would otherwise build inside of me from living in uncertainty and comparing myself to other people’s imaginary lives.

Who are you going to talk to about your parenting worries, fears, and insecurities?