Meeting Children’s Needs

Questions about meeting children’s needs have been on my mind lately.

We all want what’s best for our kids. We’re afraid we’ll mess them up. We want to be good parents, preferably better than our own parents. 

How do I know this? Because this is what I am feeling and what all parents tell me. 

The problem is, we’re not really sure how to achieve this. We get conflicting messages from different sources, we end up making decisions out of fear and we rarely feel good and confident about how we’re handling this parenting thing. 

This is a really tough position to be in. No wonder I’ve gone grey since I had kids! 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about meeting our kids’ needs. Should we always be there to meet their needs or should we let them be more independent? Which one is it?

Some people tell us to not always run to our kids at every snap of their fingers or they’ll become needy, and dependent. And entitled.

And others tell us to respond immediately to our kids’ needs or they’ll become needy and dependent. And insecure.

Do you notice what’s wrong there?

Whatever we choose, the dangerous consequence of not following either of these recommendations is that our kids will not know how to meet their own needs and they’ll become dependent on other people. Not to mention, we also lose the relationship that is most dear to us. Our deepest fears!

What are we to do?!

So, confronted with this dilemma, I did what I usually do. Which is to close my eyes, try to let go of my fears, and look for the answer inside me, in the depths of my peaceful wisdom. (We all have this, by the way. It’s not some special gift that I possess. Just sit in silence and allow your wisdom to fill you up)

So here’s my advice to you and to myself for the future: take a deep breath, give yourself a hug, and take a moment to offer yourself some love and compassion.

I mean, people have been raising children for millions of years, yet no one thought to tell parents how to raise their kids. Even in the 21st century, parenting is like a wild activity that we just try our hand at as if it’s a hobby. So, if you often feel confused and overwhelmed, please acknowledge that it’s not your fault. Every new stage in our kids’ development and all the strange behaviors should no longer surprise us. Someone should have told us what to expect and what’s best to do about them. And yet, here we are.

So, after you’ve given yourself a big, loving hug, let go of the fear of what may happen if you make one choice or another. Any choice we make out of fear is not a wise choice. The best decisions come from the purest love inside us. 

So, coming from love, ask yourself what you would have wanted and needed when you were a child. Because chances are that your current child needs and wants the same. 

I am willing to bet that you would have wanted to receive attention, love, and support unconditionally and promptly. Because that’s what makes us humans feel like we belong in this world, that we are wanted, appreciated, and valued. 

Often parents fear that if they are immediately responsive to their children’s needs they will teach the children to become too reliant on other people to fill their own needs. 

In fact, what happens is that the needs that we do not fill for our kids when they’re little become wounds and gaps. And as adults, they’re going to continue to try to get those needs met by other people. They will look to others to fill those gaps and heal those wounds.

Instead, when we are responsive and meet our children’s needs in healthy ways, they will learn how to do the same for themselves when they’re adults. 

This is similar to the technique “I do, we do, you do”. Teaching our kids to meet their own needs and not become dependent on others is similar to teaching them any skill. 

First, we show them how it’s done – I do, then we do it together – We do, and finally, they are able to do it on their own – You do.

The answer is:

Choose love, not fear.