Letting Children Take the Lead

Several times over the last couple of weeks, I felt inspired to pause instead of pushing through with my agenda and letting my kids take the lead. Or maybe I was too tired and just flopped into numbness and capitulation. Although it feels much better to think that I found my inspiration and ability to pause. Either way, every time it happened, I was awestruck and also reminded that our children have an innate wisdom that we should honor and protect. And even follow now and then.

I’ll share with you two instances that stayed with me.

My daughter injured her knee. It’s nothing too serious, but she was still in pain after 5 days and having trouble bending her knee. I could only send so many notes to her P.E. teacher asking for her to be excused, so we decided she needed to be seen by a doctor.

I knew she didn’t have a broken bone, sprained ligament, or strained tendon, and I explained that to her, but she needed a doctor’s note and also we wanted to know how to care for her knee.

My daughter was terrified. She understood intellectually what the situation was, but she’d never been to the doctor with this kind of issue, so she didn’t know what to expect. She kept wanting to talk about the visit and she asked me dozens of questions about how it would go. Then she said, “Can we play a game before we leave? I feel like it’s going to make me feel calmer.” My first reaction was to say there’s no time, we have to get ready and leave. But a second later, I was so amazed by her self-awareness and introspection! I also felt proud that all the work that I had been doing to teach my kids to recognize their own emotions and honor their bodies was showing fruition. And I felt happy that my daughter knew to ask for what she needed. I made sure to make time for a game of Animal Upon Animal before we left for the clinic. The few minutes we played made my daughter and me feel closer. We headed to the doctor, got there on time, and the morning went well.

Then the other night, my kids started roughhousing in bed, laughing, and being silly at bedtime. My first reaction was to tell them to stop and get ready for bed. It was getting late. I was feeling tired and stressed. I was worried that they would be too tired the next day, etc.

But then I stopped myself. I didn’t say anything. I just watched them. And after about 30 seconds, after releasing the contraction in my body, I was able to see how much fun they were having. I began to smile and feel amused and happy. Time just stopped for a few minutes.

At that moment, I remembered how important roughhousing is for connection and emotional release. Laughing together wholeheartedly opens us up. It’s vulnerable. And when the other person joins in the laughter, we feel fully accepted in our vulnerability and we connect more deeply. I felt content that I decided not to interrupt the play.

When the play was over, my son told my daughter, “I love it when we play that way. I love you! Can I give you a hug?” Then he added that he wouldn’t have liked to be an only child and that he loves having a sister. He was so thoroughly happy!

Now, of course, bedtime was a bit later than I had hoped. But it was so worth it! The connection string between my kids got a new strand after they played and laughed together. And it showed even the next morning before they left for school in the way that they talked to each other and helped each other get ready. 

In both situations I felt that there were important things to be done, there wasn’t enough time for any of this playful stuff. I was in a Go! Go! Go! mode. But then I stopped. I allowed my kids to take the lead, and do what they felt they needed at that moment. And it was the best decision. 

I’d us all to remember more often to slow down and be a little more open to our children’s influence. Sometimes we can put the reins down and get in the wagon with them, even if just for a little bit.