It’s Not About the Cream Cheese – Incessant Whining

You know when kids make relentless, unreasonable demands that drive us nuts? Or they whine incessantly about something? We try to be reasonable and help fix their problem, but somehow the problem seems to morph and we just can’t get to the bottom of it. And the whining, nagging, and demands just go on and on. Our kids seem more and more stubborn and they won’t stop. After a few tries, we’re frustrated with ourselves for biting the bait again and engaging in this losing battle for the hundredth time.

If this has ever happened to you, then I want to remind you that you are not alone. But let’s see what we can do to avoid repeating the same pattern again and again.

I have found a mantra that reminds me to not engage with the apparent issue and also helps to bring some humor to the struggles of parenting. When we’re able to smile about a challenge that we’re facing, we can disengage from the tension and see things from a new perspective. And the mantra came after a long summer day, filled with fun and tears.

Let me share with you a real story that happened last summer. Instead of using real names, we’ll just call the main protagonists Mom and Oliver.

Oliver is a sensitive eight-year-old boy, very friendly and sweet, and loves to have a good time with his cousins.

One Saturday, Mom and Oliver spent a few hours at Ikea shopping for new bedroom furniture and then went out with family who were in town. Oliver had a great time overall, picked out a cute soft penguin-shaped pillow for his room, had a yummy lunch at Ikea, and then had fun with his cousins on a sightseeing boat tour. The day was a total success by all adult and kid standards.

However, by the time everyone stopped at the Italian gelato shop downtown for a yummy treat to wrap up the exciting day, Oliver’s tide turned.

Oliver and Mom got two scoops of ice cream in a cup, while everyone else ordered two scoops in a cone. As Oliver took a look around at everyone’s cones, he was certain that his cup was holding less ice cream than the cones. He expressed this disappointment to his mom and insisted that she get him one more scoop to make up for the discrepancy, to make it “fair”. His mom tried to explain to him that everyone got the same amount, but the cones gave the illusion of holding more ice cream since the scoops were sitting on top of the cone instead of inside the walls as they did in the cup. Oliver kept whining on the verge of crying, but he finished his ice cream.

After that, everyone entered the bookstore that was next to the gelato shop. In the store, Oliver kept clinging to his mom, trying to convince her that he needed more ice cream. His mom resisted. Then suddenly Oliver realized that he was hungry, starving in fact, and he needed some fries from a nearby food shop. He and his mom walked over to get some fries. On the way, he decided he also wanted a soda. Mom told him she was willing to get him some water with his fries, but he wouldn’t be getting a soda. Oliver began negotiating and explaining to his mom that at lunch, he hadn’t finished his juice, so now he should get a soda to make up for the juice he missed earlier. His mom got him fries and water. Begrudgingly, Oliver started eating his fries. They were too hot, too salty. So he decided he wanted a bagel instead.

A few steps away, there was a bagel shop.

Believing that Oliver was indeed hungry, his mom agreed to get him a bagel with cream cheese. When the server handed him the bagel slathered with cream cheese, it was too much for Oliver! He started crying and refused to eat the bagel because he had expected the cream cheese on the side. He insisted that he needed a new bagel with cream cheese on the side. His mom tried to reason with him again, explaining that after she put the cream cheese on the bagel, he would essentially have the exact same bagel that the server had given him, so it made no sense to get a new one. Oliver was adamant! He *needed* a new bagel with cream cheese on the side. He needed to see it not touching the bagel.

Mom was feeling tired and started losing her patience, but continued to empathize as best as she could and stood firm. She knew her son had had a long day.

After a while, Oliver agreed to sit down and eat. He munched unenthusiastically on the fries and bagel, complaining and whimpering. He didn’t finish either.

Oliver’s mom sat with him on a bench, holding him while he felt dejected. When the crying came to an end, she sent Oliver home with his dad ahead of everyone else, so his dad could get him ready for bed by the time she got home with the rest of the family.

The next day, Mom talked with Oliver about the events of the previous day, helping him understand and process what had happened. When they got to the bagel part, his mom said, “I think you were just tired, you didn’t really need the bagel with cream cheese.” Oliver asked, “What bagel with cream cheese?” Mom was stunned. Oliver couldn’t even remember he had made such a fuss about the cream cheese the night before.

This really wasn’t about the bagel with cream cheese after all.
It wasn’t about the fries or the ice cream.
It wasn’t about the soda.

Oliver just needed to vent. He had had a long day and done a fantastic job holding himself together at the store and interacting with many people, and then he was just tired. His body and mind just didn’t have any energy left and needed to be in bed rather than out in the town square eating ice cream. But Oliver didn’t know why he was feeling the way he was feeling, all he knew was that it was very uncomfortable and he needed something to comfort him. And nothing seemed enough. Because none of the things he got gave him that comfort that he was seeking.

Oliver’s story is not unique. I know that as you were reading this, you were nodding your head, mouthing “Yep!” to yourself. And you felt lots of empathy for both Oliver and Mom because you’ve been there.

We all fall into the trap of trying to reason with our children when they are unreasonable. We also believe our kids when they tell us they are hungry or hurting and try to help whenever we can. What Oliver’s mom did wasn’t wrong and we all do the same for our children.

However, you may say she could have realized sooner that her son was tired and what he really needed was rest. True. But this was a long and hard day for Mom as well. And when we are tired, we are less attuned and tend to reach for the easier tools to try to solve challenges. So I am not blaming Mom at all for not realizing sooner what the real issue was.

Whenever you suspect that what’s going on is not …. about the cream cheese, try doing this to break the pattern and address the real cause of distress:

1. Try the easy fixes

Kids can be whiny and unreasonable for many reasons. The basic ones that we can check for with easy fixes are: are they hungry, thirsty, tired, overstimulated, or getting sick?

These are pretty easy to figure out if we use our prior knowledge and intuition. But just to be sure, we can offer them food and water, bring them to a quiet environment, or do some calming, soothing activities. And, of course, use your prior knowledge and intuition to figure out if any of these reasons may be the culprit for your child’s whining. If nothing works, we can play along for a little bit to figure out what’s going on.

2. Keep track

Next, we try to keep track of how many times our kids switch their requests as soon as we fulfill one of them. When they claim to need something but swiftly change their minds and continue to be dissatisfied about something else, it’s time to stop after about the third attempt.

This is a sign that our child doesn’t *really need* what they think they need at that moment. Instead, they may need something entirely unrelated.

If they aren’t hungry, tired, overstimulated, or sick, they may have too many pent-up emotions that they need to release. This is a common cause for incessant whining.

3. Be kind and firm

After we’ve ruled out the easy fixes and we realize that our kids are whiny because of something deeper, it’s time to take a deep breath and try the magic tool.

Remember that your child’s behavior is not about what it appears to be about. It’s just a surface manifestation of an internal feeling. It could be something specific that happened that caused them some discomfort that they didn’t express at that time, or it could be a multitude of emotions that accumulated over a few days or weeks and are now filling up their bodies to the brim and just need to come out.

Here are the steps to implement this magic tool:

• Take a deep, slow, centering breath
• Stop offering options and solutions – gently but firmly deny fulfilling their requests
• Empathize with your child, show that you care and understand that they are uncomfortable

This isn’t easy to do.

When you stop fulfilling your child’s demands, they will begin to cry, maybe scream, and even flail. Don’t worry. This is good. They are beginning to release the uncomfortable feelings that were trapped in their body.

Don’t try to reason with your child. Trying to reason won’t get you anywhere. We’ve just established that your child’s whining is unreasonable. But if you continue to empathize and stay firm, you will allow your child to melt down in your loving arms and restore balance.

They will release all uncomfortable emotions and learn that they can get through any discomfort.

4. Acknowledge

Mom tried hard to empathize with Oliver when he was being unreasonable. What I would add is acknowledging how Oliver was feeling. “You had such a long day. We walked a lot, did many things, you must feel so tired. I feel tired too. And when we’re tired, everything seems harder. Of course, you’d like more ice cream. Nothing seems to go your way anymore, does it?! No wonder you’re upset!” Using this type of language communicates to our children that their feelings are valid. They’re not being spoiled brats, but rather expressing an inner discomfort. Through words, we can help them make sense of what their feeling and the reason for their feelings.

We can do this part in the moment, or the day after, when our child is calm, and we are retelling the story of what happened. In this way, we are helping our child understand their feelings and how they process them.

Responding to our children’s whining demands with kindness and firmness isn’t easy and sometimes it can be extra hard because we may also feel tired, stressed, hungry, or overstimulated. It requires additional effort. But we can’t expect our children to put in the extra effort. We have to do it.

When we remember to respond in this way to our children’s whining, we can help strengthen our relationship with our kids instead of weakening it.

Just remember,

It’s not about the cream cheese.