How to Stop Nagging Your Kids

Do you ever feel like you’re the only one in your family who keeps track of everything and has to push everyone along because otherwise nothing would get done? Are you exhausted by how many times you have to remind your kids to do something while they just dawdle? Well, you’re not alone. In this article, I am sharing some things you can do to help you stop nagging your kids and get them to listen and cooperate.

When reminding and repeating become nagging

I noticed that, slowly and unwittingly, I slipped into this bad pattern. I got to the point where I was reminding my kids to do things multiple times before they bothered to listen to me. I was nagging really. I was getting angry, I felt ignored, and the repetition was giving me a headache.

It all started with good intentions. Children don’t have a brain that’s fully developed, so they can’t think in advance or plan as well as we do, it’s a skill that we have to help them develop. So I was modeling and offering support to help them develop these skills while their brain was growing. However, somewhere on the way, I’d forgotten to pull back and gradually release the responsibility to my children. 

I also forgot that, while it’s okay to give little kids more reminders, as they got older, my children were also gaining the capacity to handle more things. Yet I continued to treat them as if they were 5 or 6 years old. I forgot to adapt my behavior to their expanding capacities. 

Over time, I trained my children to not listen to my reminders, because there would be another one, and another one, and another one…

Not only is this habit frustrating, but it adds to my already overcharged mental load. At the same time, it is not making my kids feel capable.

Extreme reminding and nagging lead to dependency

A downside of extreme reminders is that children become dependent on us. They don’t learn to take initiative or put forth effort to think about what they need to do next. They don’t need to do any of the work because we’ll do it for them. 

They don’t take responsibility and ownership. Instead, when things don’t work out, they blame us. Because it was our job to get them to do what they had to do. 

I had to take a hard look at how I’d contributed to my kids developing this bad habit and how I could correct it. So now we’re in the process of replacing everyone’s bad habits. It’s hard work.

How to Stop Nagging Your Kids

So what can we do to correct this habit? 

1. Train your child

Train your child to learn new skills and habits. The steps of this process are:

• I do, you watch (introduction). 
• I do, you help (familiarization). 
• You do, I help (attempt). 
• You do, I watch (supervised practice). 
• You do, I check (independent practice).

How long you spend on each step of this training depends on the complexity of the skill, the age of the child, and the individual child themselves. In general, each step in this process needs ample time. All skills take a long time to learn and practice. You can’t rush the process.

Notice that your physical presence and attention are needed a lot throughout this training process. We need to break down each skill or task into manageable chunks, explain out loud, model, guide, give feedback, create supports, and so on.

Something to keep in mind is that we have to be aware of when our child is ready to move on to the next step in the training process. 

And this is where I got lost. If you also tend to get lost in this process, please be gentle with yourself. Don’t blame yourself. I am sharing today’s story precisely so that you see that it happens to other people as well. We have so much on our plates, that we slip sometimes. And that’s ok. Because we can notice and pick up our work right where we dropped it. After we do a bit of cleaning up, of course.

2. Clear communication

Communicate clearly what your expectation is, discuss why it is important, and ask for your child’s commitment that they will complete the task. At this point, it is a good idea to have your child tell you back:

• what they need to do
• when they will complete it
• and how they plan on doing it.

This is to avoid any misunderstandings in communication and also for you to make sure that you and your child are on the same page. These steps help us be proactive and avoid being reactive later on.

3. Avoid rescuing

I think oftentimes we want to prevent our kids from suffering the consequences of their actions, so we keep reminding and pushing them along. This is not to say that we don’t want them to learn skills. Of course we do! But things get a little clouded when we are also driven by fear. 

Think about the times when the room is a mess, toys scattered everywhere and dad is about to come home from work and everyone knows he hates coming home to a chaotic mess, so you (or I) keep telling the kids to pick up. Or your child keeps relying on you to remind them to take their violin to school on the days when they have orchestra practice (ahem!) and you do it because you don’t want them to feel embarrassed when they show up for class without their instrument. 

I think it’s worth trying to calm ourselves, taking a deep breath, and allowing our children to learn from their own mistakes. Trust the process. What I want to stress here is that we’re not allowed to gloat or say “I told you so.” Instead, we can offer our understanding and love, while saying, “You can try again. I trust that you will be able to do it.”

Notice that I am not saying to leave the child alone and unsupported. But after we’ve done the training and proactive communication, we take a step back and allow them to either stumble or feel proud of their achievement. This is the way to learn and grow confidence while taking responsibility for one’s actions, whether the outcome is positive or negative. And all along, we are right there beside them, to offer comfort and share in their sadness or pride.

4. Be consistent

Finally, be consistent in teaching the skills, in your expectations, in your involvement level, and in the way you respond. Consistency will help strengthen the new pathways we are trying to build in our own brain and our child’s.

How to remind without nagging

Now you may be wondering, “How many reminders should I give my child and how do I do it?” Here are some tips:

1. Make eye contact. Get close to your child to see their eyes. Make sure they have stopped what they were doing and are looking at you.

2. Use one or two words instead of drawn-out lectures to remind children. 

3. Decide how many times you want to remind to avoid getting frustrated. You know what feels reasonable to you.

4. Use your eyes. Say no words, instead look at your child expectantly and encouragingly. Don’t wait until you get to the reproachful look with the raised eyebrows 😉

5. Without saying any words, direct your child with an inviting gesture toward the task they need to complete. Again, avoid the menacing look and go for the encouraging one. This communicates to your child that you trust they will do what they know is right.

For more ideas, read this article on What to Do When Your Kids Ignore You.

Let’s be clear, I am not saying never to give your kid any reminders. We all need reminding. It’s why I have lists and a calendar on my phone. And it’s okay to also rely on others to remind us now and then. But we don’t want our kids to over-rely on our reminding to the detriment of their learning new skills and becoming self-sufficient. 

If this is something that you also struggle with, and you’ve been wanting to stop nagging your kids and increase their cooperation, be patient. Unlearning old habits and building new ones takes a long time and practice. If you’d like to share your journey, please leave a comment below.