Dispel Negative Thoughts

Sometimes parenting can feel so challenging! Our kids push back incessantly, nothing we try seems to work, and we find ourselves stretched to the limit. When things are hard, which happens a lot in parenting, we tend to have negative thoughts that will make us believe that we failed as parents and our that kids will become failed adults.

Negative Thoughts Create Unpleasant Feelings

Thoughts are interesting creations of our minds. We should pay attention to them and keep them in check. Because every thought we have influences how we feel. Happy thoughts will create pleasant feelings. Negative thoughts will create unpleasant feelings.

When we allow those negative thoughts to linger for too long, or if we start to believe them, we can start to believe that everything about our life is bad. 

And when we believe that everything is bad, then we have no hope for better times, so we give up on trying to do better and create better outcomes. We stop believing in change. And that’s when we feel stuck. It’s not a good feeling.

We have to make a real effort to get out of this darkness. And it’s not an easy task. But it is possible to get out of it with the right tools.

Today I’d like to share one tool to help us when we feel stuck in the darkness of negative thoughts: creating a flow of grateful and loving light.

But before I do, let me explain where this idea comes from.

The Sun Shines Above the Clouds

The last time I flew with my kids to Europe, we had a four-hour layover in Frankfurt. It was a very damp and cloudy day. We were feeling rather tired after our long transatlantic flight and we couldn’t wait to get to our destination to rest. Everyone was grumpy and hungry, and the tiny cookie we received on the plane for breakfast did not lift our moods. The weather didn’t help either.

But then, as soon as we flew to a higher altitude, all of a sudden the plane was flooded with the bright light of the sun. I asked my kids what happened. They were surprised. They couldn’t understand what had just happened. How come a few minutes ago it was drab and dark, and now everything was suddenly bright and golden?

I told them to look out the window to see what was below the plane. We were floating above a thick sea of fluffy clouds that looked like heaps of whipped cream.

I explained to my kids how the sun is always shining in the sky, but sometimes we can’t see it from the ground because of the clouds that are blocking it. It was a little hard for them to understand at the time. I think it took them a few months to really get it. But now they know that the sun is up there even when we can’t see it because of the clouds.

Related: When Mom Is Having a Hard Time

How to Dispel Negative Thoughts

So how does this story help with getting unstuck from the exhausting cycle of negative thoughts and feelings?

I find it helpful to think of our negative thoughts as clouds and our day-to-day mood as the weather. The sun is all that brings love and meaning into our lives, it’s what gives us hope, resilience, and energy to keep moving forward.

The good thing about clouds is that they come and go. And bad weather comes and goes too. The sun stays the same.

So now let’s see how we can use this image to do a visual exercise that helps us come out of a negative thought cycle.

Step 1. Find love and appreciation

When you are calm, relaxed, and in a good mood, try to identify your sun. What are the things that give the most meaning to your life, and bring the most joy into your heart? What are you most grateful for? What do you appreciate in your life?

Take a few minutes to close your eyes, bring rest and peace into your mind, and answer these questions. Then open your eyes and write down what came up for you.

If you’re finding that you’re only able to think of very general things, or you’re feeling stuck, here are a few questions to help move you forward. Let’s say you are grateful for your child. This is a pretty general concept. To find more specific details, ask yourself:

What about (your child) do you appreciate?

What does (your child) do that brings you joy?

Why is this meaningful for you?

Once you have your list or collection of beautiful things in your life, imagine that you place them all in the sun. The sun will hold them for you always. Whatever happens, these will never go away.

Step 2. Practice visualizing love and appreciation

Every now and then, practice thinking about and visualizing the things that bring love, joy, appreciation, and gratefulness into your life.

Close your eyes, then visualize the sun and a stream of warm light, like a thread of gold, flowing between your heart and the sun. Think of all the beautiful things in your life that bring love and meaning, all the things you stored safely in the sun. Allow the bright stream to fill your heart and body with the delicious goodness of love and appreciation.

If you are used to accessing these images when you feel content, it will be easier to retrieve them when you feel anxiety or despair.

And the more you practice this tool, the more you will feel connected to your source of life. How would your life feel if you knew there’s always the sun shining above you, even when things are hard?

Step 3. Observe your thoughts

When we feel bad, it is helpful to stop and analyze our thoughts. What are the thoughts that are running under the surface? Are they real? Do they make any sense?

Our mind spends an impressive amount of time creating useless catastrophic thoughts, and if we’re not aware of them, we let them run our whole body and life like a horror show.

If we notice the pattern of thoughts that tend to come to our mind, we can more easily challenge them in the moment when they’re ruining our mood.

Step 4. Dispel the clouds when it gets dark

When things go wrong and everything feels really hard and dark, take a few moments to stop, notice your negative thoughts, and turn them into clouds above you. This way, you distance yourself from them.

Then, just as you’ve practiced, begin thinking of the things that bring you love, joy, and gratitude. You can start with just one thing. Then slowly bring in more. As you focus on them, allow them to fill your heart. Then visualize a thread of gold, a stream of light going out from your heart all the way to the sun, breaking the clouds apart. Notice how the clouds separate, creating a path for the stream of love connecting you with the sun. Allow that light and warmth coming from the sun to fill your body. Express and feel deeply the gratitude for all the little and big things that bring you comfort, love, and joy.

Finally

When things go wrong, we forget that the sun always shines above the clouds. But clouds are impermanent.

Try to develop the habit of thinking of your sun whenever things feel hard or bad. Send love and appreciation to the sun in your life, the collection of everything that brings meaningfulness, joy, and love into your life. Gratitude and appreciation are the only way to break through the clouds and remember that the sun still shines above it all. 

Please note that the tool that I am describing here is for dealing with general negative thoughts that can occur in our daily parenting life. It is not a solution for depression. If you think that you are suffering from depression, please contact your healthcare provider for more support.