10 Solutions to Dinnertime Power Struggles
Let’s say it’s dinnertime and your kid is playing in the other room. You go over to them, you announce that dinner is served, and your child begins whining and stalling. Or maybe they’re ignoring you. You want to avoid a dinnertime power struggle. What are you going to do?
This scene can be quite frustrating. We spent all this time preparing dinner, we’re tired, and we just want to get it over with and start the bedtime routine!
First, let’s see what our child’s behavior is all about, and then we’ll look at what we can do about it.
10 Reasons Why Dinnertime Power Struggles Happen
There are a few reasons why we find ourselves having to deal with dinnertime power struggles. I’ll present below some simple and also more complex reasons for dinnertime power struggles with practical solutions.
1. They’re not hungry
Sometimes kids aren’t hungry when dinner is ready. Especially when they’re young, kids tend to be very much in touch with their bodies. And this is a great thing. But when we are trying to override our child’s body message, we can find ourselves in a power struggle.
Solution
If this is something that happens regularly, then you may want to adjust the schedule or the afternoon snack.
- Leave at least two hours between the afternoon snack and dinner and make sure that your child is hungry, but not starving, by dinnertime.
- I have found that a lighter snack, like a smoothie or a fruit salad, is better in the afternoon, than a more substantial snack, such as crackers and cheese.
- Skip all sugary drinks in the afternoon, because they mess up kids’ hunger sensation.
2. They didn’t hear you
When we yell from the kitchen “Dinner’s ready!”, kids may not even hear us. Even when we think they’re within earshot, they may be so immersed in play or absorbed by their screens (we know how those damned gadgets possess our children’s brains), that their attention doesn’t register any sounds coming from the next room.
Solution
Use proximity and eye-to-eye contact. Walk up to where your child is playing, get down to their level, touch their shoulder, and look them in the eyes. Once you have their attention, then you can let them know dinner is ready.
Kids’ brains are so busy, we have to make sure we have their full attention when we’re talking to them. That’s why I don’t trust that my kids hear me or learn anything unless they’re looking into my eyes when I talk to them.
3. They are engrossed in play
Play is children’s most important job. When they’re immersed in play, they’re in a state of flow. Their creativity and learning gears are working at top speed.
To understand what it’s like for a child to be absorbed by play, imagine you are working on a project that you love, that’s challenging and exciting at the same time, and you’re close to figuring it out. Then someone comes in and interrupts your thinking flow and tells you to stop what you’re doing. I know I would be saying “In a minute” without even raising my eyes.
When children are playing, having dinner is not a priority.
Solution
Instead, go to your child, look at what they’re working on, and interrupt their flow gently, with a curiosity question or an observation: “I see you built a hideaway for your lizards. Tell me, why are they in there?”
After your child gives you some information, then you can break the “bad news” to them: “Hey, listen, I finished making dinner. We’re having such and such. Let’s go eat before it gets cold.”
4. They struggle with transitions
Some kids are finding it harder to stop what they’re doing and start a new activity. And all kids tend to have a harder time when they’re tired or have other events and changes going on in their lives and these can make dinnertime power struggles more likely to happen.
Solution
Tolerating and managing transitions are skills that we can teach our kids. It takes time and consistency, but these are skills that transfer to other areas that they struggle with.
- We can give them a visual timer to show them how much time they have until dinner.
- We can create a visual schedule for them to follow.
- Having a fun bell or ringtone to call everyone to dinner may draw attention better.
- Giving reminders 10-5-1 minutes before may help kids prepare for the transition.
5. They need more power
Let’s be honest, children have to do what we tell them all day long. Dinner is just one more boring thing that they have to do because we tell them to.
We are the ones who decide when we’re having dinner, what we’re eating, the rules at the dinner table, and so on.
Sometimes it helps to share power with our kids so that they don’t try to obtain it through force.
Solution
There are lots of different things we can do here and I’ll just share a few. But you can get creative.
- Involve kids in deciding what to have for dinner. Of course, if your kid is the exclusively mac and cheese type, you’re not going to let them choose mac and cheese every night. But you can give them a few options to choose from. Or you can pick the main course and they can pick the dessert.
- Another idea is to engage kids in buying ingredients for dinner. They can help shop for veggies in the store or online (a great opportunity to teach them about shopping decisions and money).
- Kids can be very helpful in preparing food. They can read the recipe, then peel, chop, and mix the ingredients. There are lots of life lessons to be learned from involving kids in the kitchen. (Check out this post on kid-sized tools to help kids contribute more effectively)
6. They are too tired
If kids are tired, then they have a hard time transitioning and doing any activity, even eating.
When my kids are tired, I try to avoid screens if possible because when kids are tired it is even harder for them to put their screens down.
And giving them their tablets when they’re exhausted right before dinner is asking for a huge meltdown.
Solution
What I have found to be helpful when my kids are very tired in the late afternoon before dinner is to have them sit at the table and do an activity. And the bonus is they’re already at the table when dinner’s served.
- I bought some paper placemats with scalloped edges and I give my kids markers and stickers (no glue or glitter because they’re too messy and require self-control, which kids lack when they’re tired) and I let them decorate placemats for everyone at the table. This keeps them busy while I prepare dinner.
- Something else we do when little brains are tired is play an audio story while the kids draw or color, also at the dinner table.
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7. Dinners are too serious and boring
If you have expectations for your kids to sit at the table the whole time, elbows down, chew without making noises, not talk with mouths full, and other rules that are more appropriate for adults, then little kids will struggle.
Of course, we do want to teach our kids to be civilized, but we have to adjust our expectations to fit their development level. These skills have to be taught gradually and slowly. We also have to understand that adhering to table manners strictly can make for a negative experience for kids and they may not enjoy sitting with us at dinnertime.
Solution
There are a few things we can do to make dinners a bit more fun for young children.
Having dinner conversations is a great way to create a meaningful connection with our kids. There’s been a lot of research on the benefits of regular family dinners.
Children who have regular dinners with their family are healthier, perform better in school, have less trouble with drugs and alcohol, and report feeling closer to their parents.
But it’s not simply the act of eating that’s beneficial to kids. It’s the conversations and our interest in them that help kids feel connected and grounded.
When we sit down together to share a meal, we can ask our kids what their day was like. We can all share something good that happened, something bad, and something we’ve learned. This is a great time to talk about family values, share some jokes, or recount memories.
8. They feel disconnected
Sometimes kids feel disconnected from us and they don’t feel like listening to us. The best way to get kids to listen and follow our directions is to connect with them first.
Solution
If you suspect your kid may feel disconnected, plan on spending a few minutes together roughhousing or being silly together before you head to the dinner table. Follow your child’s lead.
My daughter’s favorite game these days is playing horsey. That means I get on all fours and I give her a ride around the room. Of course, the ride is better when the horse is a bit naughty and bucks and neighs.
Another current favorite is copying her silly faces.
We only have to play these games for about 5 minutes and she instantly feels better and more likely to do what I ask her.
Laughter is a wonderful way to release tense emotions and reconnect. Try acting silly for a few minutes and get your child laughing.
9. They developed a bad habit
If you and your child are getting into dinnertime power struggles routinely, then this may be a case of an accidental bad habit.
Your child’s dinnertime routine may include regular power struggles with you because they need more attention. And while this sounds horrible to us, it could be that your child somehow understood that the only way they can get more of you is if they engage in negative attention-seeking behavior.
Solution
If attention is what your child needs, then you have to make sure that you give it to them in a positive way. This may mean that you are causing a meltdown initially because oftentimes kids don’t like sudden changes. But you have to replace a bad habit with a new one that you can all live with.
Try to schedule some regular Special Time or involve your child in some of the dinner preparation activities that I mentioned in this article. Any of these should help to avoid dinnertime power struggles in the future.
10. They need a meltdown
I saved the best for last!
I know this may sound strange and daunting, but our kids need to have a meltdown occasionally. When they have more backed-up emotions than can be released through 5 minutes of silly play, they may need a big cry to feel better.
Usually, kids do this by pushing against a clear limit that we have. By doing this, they are inviting us to keep holding the limit for them, so they can release and let a meltdown loose.
I know this may be new and counterintuitive, but remember that our kids don’t actually want to give us a hard time. By being stubborn and pushing limits, they are asking for our help.
Solution
Let’s see what you can do when you suspect your child needs to lift their emotional dam. This can be very tricky for us if it happens right before dinner.
The solution is to hold a limit. And that can be allowing your child to skip dinner.
Especially for mothers, I know this can sound like outrageous advice. But don’t worry, they’re not going to die.
However, please do not enforce this as a punishment. But rather as a natural consequence. Be gentle and kind, using a soft voice, in delivering the consequence.
“Hey, sweetie, I asked you to come to dinner. It’s getting cold. It looks like you don’t want to come. That’s ok. I’m hungry and I need to eat now. I would love for you to join us at the table. And just so you know, I’m putting everything away in 30 minutes and after that, we’re going to bed. There’s going to be no more dinner after I clear the table. So it’s your choice.”
And that’s it. Go to have dinner, clear the table, and stick to your word.
If your child asks to eat after the food is put away or at bedtime, show empathy, but don’t change your decision.
“Oh, you chose to skip dinner and now you’re hungry. That is so hard! Do you need a hug? Tomorrow you can make a different choice.”
Avoid lecturing! No “I told you so, I warned you”, and other blaming words. Just empathy and firmness.
If you don’t have the time and energy to welcome a loud and aggressive meltdown, then just keep in mind that your child needed a meltdown and they didn’t get it, so you’ll have to plan for one in the following days.
Related: How to Deal With Tantrums
Conclusion
The most important thing to keep in mind about avoiding dinnertime power struggles is to use proximity, eye-to-eye, connection, and firm limits. First, you go near your child, then you get their attention, you connect, and finally, you hold the limit.
If you are consistent with this approach, your kids will know what to expect and dinnertime power struggles will become a thing of the past.
