Mom-Shaming: Welcome to Motherhood

Welcome to Motherhood, the Loneliest Job of the 21st Century. Where mom-shaming is part of the job description.
I’m sure you’ve heard the African proverb, “it takes a village to raise a child”. What it means is that the entire community needs to work together to create a safe and nurturing environment for a child to grow up healthy and safe. That used to be the case, indeed, but it seems like in our modern, rushed, unconscious society, everyone has forgotten how to create a safe and healthy environment for a child and how to support the mother in raising her child. 

Modern Mom-Shaming

As soon as a woman becomes a mother, it is very common for her to be attacked, criticized, isolated, shamed, judged, or even gaslighted. Mothering has never looked so lonely and sad as it does now, despite our seemingly connected world. In a poll conducted by C.C. Mott Children’s Hospital, 61% of mothers of children 0-5 years old were criticized about their parenting.

Sadly, it is mainly the immediate family of the mother who is most likely to criticize her and engage in mom-shaming. And one would think that a mother can find compassion and understanding from other mothers. However, it is quite prevalent for even mothers who receive great support from their families and friends to lack empathy toward those who are less fortunate than them.

It is very common in our culture for a mother to hear many contradictory and judgmental comments that chip away at her confidence, happiness, and ability to connect with her child. The feelings that take hold are instead exhaustion, shame, uncertainty, overwhelm, sadness, even depression, anxiety, guilt, doubt, and stress. 

Have You Experienced This?

You seem to have no support from the people around you, friends, even other mothers, not to mention the media and bloggers. Everyone and their mother have firm opinions about how YOU SHOULD raise your child. And they also feel like they have THE RIGHT to tell you. They don’t even waver about whether they should share their opinion or not. No! They must do it! They feel such a strong urge to direct you, that they can’t stop to realize how out of line their comments are.

Additionally, they are so overpowered by their strong opinions, that they forget to feel empathy for you or to share in your joy. People who loved you until yesterday seem to be taken over by a compulsive managerial productive drive.

What Does Mom-Shaming Look Like?

Since the day you announce that you are pregnant, the comments abound:

• Don’t exercise so much.
• Eat this, stop eating that.
• Why did you have a C-section?
• You are getting an epidural and drugging your baby before he’s born?
• You should be breastfeeding.
• Why are you breastfeeding for so long?
• You stopped breastfeeding too early.
• Don’t feed your baby formula!
• What do you mean you have incontinence?
• When are you going to lose all that baby fat?
• Why are you so tired?
• You don’t know how to take care of yourself.
• Can’t you prioritize?
• What do you mean you don’t want to have sex?
• Why are you depressed?
• You should be happy to have a baby.
• Why are you so emotional?
• You and your theories about why the baby is crying!
• Why are you holding your baby so much?
• Let the baby cry.
• You are so cruel, how can you let the baby cry?
• Don’t let your baby manipulate you.
• You should start feeding your baby solids. 
• Why are you starting your baby on solids so early?
• Why are you wasting your time washing cloth diapers?
• You have to start potty training your toddler.
• Don’t co-sleep with your child, it’s not “healthy”.
• When are you returning to work?
• How can you leave your baby just so you can have a career?
• You should be stricter with your child.
• Why are you tolerating his tantrums?
• You should teach her to listen.

And the list goes on and on. It actually never ends. Everyone around you finds new ways to comment rudely and invasively on your mothering. But wait: it gets better every year.

Here Is How You Can Fight Mom-Shaming

If you allow them to exert this abuse, they will suck the life out of you and the joy out of your parenting. You will be nothing more than a puppet being thrown left and right by the whims of inconsiderate and insensitive relatives and friends. 

Draw a line and draw it quickly.

Related: 20 Self-Care Practices for Busy Moms

1. Pour out your sadness

One thing I have to agree with is that you need to take care of yourself. And the way to do that is to find someone who can listen to you nonjudgmentally as you pour out all your feelings about what is going on. In order to fill yourself up with confidence and peace, first you need to pour out all the feelings bogging you down. You can do this with a friend, a new acquaintance, or a licensed therapist. 

2. Allow yourself to feel the sadness

To feel sadness is normal. This is not the way you were hoping it would be. You were expecting the people you love to support you and to be by your side as you are navigating dramatic changes in your life and the great uncertainty of parenting. It feels like a loss. The loss of a dream. Grieve and then …  move on. 

3. Detach from criticism

The one thing that will help us is to detach. Protect yourself from those who are actively trying to bring you down. Learn to respectfully disregard (or ignore, if you prefer) unsolicited “advice”. If it becomes very intrusive, you may warn the person that you may have to limit contact with them if they continue to make hurtful comments about your parenting skills and decisions. 

4. Find a supportive tribe

Look for a small group of supportive people who allow you to feel everything that you are feeling and carry on with your mothering. Even having an online group of like-minded people can help. Being a parent is a unique emotional experience for everyone. You need to find people who can respect your experience. If you don’t think these people exist, trust me, they are out there. If you trust that you will find them, and you are actively searching, you will find them. You just have to know exactly what you need and what you are looking for and to be very firm about who makes the cut and from whom you are moving on.

5. Show grace for your critics

Sometimes you have to realize that, the people who are closest to you do not understand you, or do not have the conscious ability to see their own triggers caused by this new stage in your life. Your mothering experience may trigger painful feelings inside of them. Maybe even they were criticized as new parents. And one way to protect themselves from feeling these uncomfortable feelings is to try to control you, as if fixing your mothering experience to be “just right”, from their perspective, will fix their discomfort. 

Or maybe their own insecurities about the way that they parented are driving them to try a do-over so they can heal that regret. Their unconscious mind takes over and they have no access to gentle, kind feelings in those moments. 

6. Remind yourself that you are not alone

Sometimes the thought that we are the only ones dealing with a certain challenge creeps up in our mind. And this thought makes things even harder. It prevents us from seeking support. But here is the thing: not everyone will criticize and bluntly correct you, like your “inner circle”. Additionally, there are many women worldwide who are having the same struggles as you. Who will gladly offer their emotional support and who also need support themselves. Join them and you will feel empowered.

7. Expect criticism

Another thought that may help is to know that all parents are criticized for their parenting at one point or another. Parenting and outside criticism or judgment just seem to come as a pre-packaged deal. You have to accept it and learn to let the negativity that is being thrown at you flow right over you.

8. Practice mindfulness and/or meditation

Practicing mindfulness or meditation improves your ability to remain calm when you feel criticized. Even a few minutes daily can have dramatic effects on the brain.

How to Empower Yourself

Rather than relying on unsolicited “advice” from those around you, check in with your child’s pediatrician, join a specialized online course for parents, or work with a parenting coach. Learning from people who are up-to-date on the latest child development research will help you feel more confident in your parenting decisions.

In Conclusion

Most importantly,  know that you can do this. It is so much harder being a mother without the loving support of those around you. You might carry the sadness of this always in a corner of your heart. But don’t let mom-shaming bring you down. You can do this. You will find you are incredibly resilient. Because you love your child, you will learn to protect yourself. And you will become fierce about your love for your child and your maternal instincts. You will find joy.

If you know a mother who might benefit and feel support from reading this post, please share it.