We CAN Recover From a Ruptured Relationship

We all yell at some point in our lives. It happens to all humans. And yelling at our kids can be scary to them. Yelling repeatedly or intensely can rupture our relationships. But we can repair and recover from a ruptured relationship.

I used to yell at my kids. A lot. I felt triggered every day and everything my kids did sent me over the edge. 

I felt horrible every time. I felt like a total human failure and like I didn’t deserve to be a mom. And mind you, at this point, I was already a trained Positive Discipline parent educator, so the shame and self-blame and negative self-talk were compounded by the expectation that I should be doing better since I knew better. But although I knew all these parenting techniques, I couldn’t access them because I was like a ticking bomb. 

After many tries and fails, and years of hard work, I realized that it wasn’t all about the techniques. It was mostly about being connected to myself so I could connect to my kids. 

I worked very hard at developing a meditation practice and becoming aware of my triggers, my sensations, and my thought patterns. I learned to use self-compassion to forgive myself so I could move on. Because getting stuck in shame is not the way to progress. Shame causes us to hide instead of getting out in the limelight, dusting ourselves off, and walking forward.

Recently, my kids told me that I was like Queen Angella, Glimmer’s mom, in the new She-Ra movie. I asked them how come. They said that I was calm like Queen Angella. I was surprised. “You think I am calm?!” 

I know I have times when I can stay calm and act wisely to the point that I am impressed by my own presence. But I also know it’s constant work. It doesn’t come naturally. I have to focus my attention every time I get triggered and it happens every day. On the inside, I still feel like I have that dangerous bomb that I have to contain and create space around.

“Yes, most of the time,” my kids replied. “You lose control some of the time, but most of the time you are calm.” I told them their observation felt very encouraging because a few years ago I used to yell a lot. My daughter exclaimed, “Yeah, right! Maybe like in the 80s!” (To them, the 80s were like prehistoric times.) I laughed and told her that for most of the 80s, I was under 10 years old.

I reminded my kids how I used to yell at them when they were little. They couldn’t remember most of it. They remember only a few instances. Probably the ones that felt the scariest. (Sigh)

They said they felt safe with me and my daughter even said she liked me because she wasn’t afraid of me.

After this conversation with my kids, I reflected on how afraid we are that we will scar our children for life. And we can’t forgive ourselves if we yell, shame, or worse, spank our children. But the truth is that we can always repair. Our relationship can heal. We can work on ourselves and we can recover from a ruptured relationship.

My kids know me now as a calm mom and a safe place for them to come for comfort. Even though I clearly scared them when they were little. The relationship has healed. And that is important. 

Of course, they still have issues from the time when I yelled at them that they’ll have to work through for years to come. But now that we have our relationship back, I can help them through it all. I know they will trust me and come to me for help instead of going to their peers for advice or resorting to other unhelpful sources of comfort. 

Because it’s not important to not make mistakes but to learn and recover from them stronger than before.

Relationships can be healed and reclaimed. And if we have our relationship, we can get through anything.

So today, I am wishing you hope and trust in your relationship with your child. Also, trust yourself that you can work on yourself. You can create more spaciousness inside of you to help you see things more clearly, to access your inner knowing, and to be with your children in a more connected state.